Vasectomy
© 1998 Watunes (BMI)
(From Comic Sutra - Live at Luna Park)
[spoken]
I got a vasectomy, 'cause I had a coupon. And it seemed like a good Mother's Day present for my wife. We have our two kids, you know, and we believe in Zero Population Growth, 'cause we live in a small apartment. And a vasectomy is no big deal, they still hang together, they just don't talk to each other.
The first step is the shaving, which I gotta say I did not find sexy at all. I know there are whole specialty periodicals on this very subject. But for me, shaving my nards was . . . Larry King in a swimsuit, it was about that sexy.
And I did too much, frankly. They don't tell you how much to do. Guys, it's just your balls, you don't have to look like a damn Ken doll.
I'm in the waiting room, reading Sports Illustrated because I wanna get that last little shot of testosterone. And I'm kind of apprehensive, you know. The guy next to me says, "You think they're gonna make it?" And I said, "No, they're gonna fall off." And then I realized he's talking about the Lakers.
And the nurse calls me in, and she's gorgeous, you know, she's 5-11 in heels, big pointy breasts, "Vasectomy Barbie." And I'm standing there with the gown open in front — there we are, Barbie and Ken. And she says, "You know, we're not gonna put you out for this." And I said, "OK, I'll just put myself back in, then."
And she lays me on a gurney, and props my head up with a pillow, and she jabs a needle in my nards and says, "You might feel something." I said, "Resentment?"
Then the doctor walks in, and the room begins to spin, and I see my sex life flash in front of my eyes... Lisa, Claudia, Becky, Claudia, Laura, Chlamydia.
Then in a second, he's got me open. He's giving me a tour of my genitals. And he's lashing and frapping and clamping and snipping, cauterizing, tying off, ironing, signing his work. And, you know, speed in some service industries is a good thing. But you don't want a urologist who's worked at Benihana.
In all, it's about 15 minutes of excruciating inconvenience. And for two weeks I walked like C-3PO. But, I would recommend it to any man, because, you know, the spontaneity is great. Now, anytime I wanna shave my nuts, I do it!